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Auditions
When I was young I got a corpse sniffing dog.
Mom said I could earn extra money, but we never really found much. Except for that Philippino mob hit one time.
You f****** don’t know what the f*** you’re straight f****** dealing with.
I will straight f*** you up until you don’t know your taint from the Pillsbury f****** doughboy.
You b****-a** c*** mongling ball-snorting p***-holes better step off before you’re yelling, “Don’t pop my a**!”
However, if my demands are not met, the consequences for you, your economy, and your very way of life will be incalculable.
I am not mad, but have been driven to this mad act by your myopic refusal to see reason. Join me in this bright future, or oppose me and meet your destruction!
But people don’t realize that Alan Thicke is also a composer. How talented is he, right!?
Still Not Quite Human was really the apex of the trilogy. (Jay Underwood was so cute!) Who but Alan could have pulled off Dr. Jonas Carson a THIRD TIME?
My friend’s turtle got gas, so we took it to the vet.
And he said it wasn’t a turtle, it was a weasel. And we’re like, if it’s a weasel then why doesn’t it have a shell?
Punch and kick are all in the mind. But they’re also in the fist and the foot. Fortunately.
Head butt is in neither. Elbow — that one’s what you think.
When I’m ready, sensei will explain how that will stop an attacker from hitting me.
Charlie was deep in the wire, and we knew we’d only get one chance to break out of that sh**.
Ffolkes was holding his entrails in with a mess tin. A f****** mess tin. Whoever patched that bastard up should’ve got drinks and dinner first.
The kids at school always tease me because my mom is a giraffe.
Mom says being different is okay. As long as you’re tall, and can eat leaves high up. She says she’s disappointed in me too.
Hello? Who are all of you? I’m very frightened right now.
I was walking past a van. And now I’m here. I don’t know where my family is. I’m not even sure what country I’m in. Please send help.
Salmon can have sex anywhere they want.
I mean think about that for a minute. I don’t mean I want to have sex with a salmon, but…
Have you heard the Good News about Amway yet? F***!
Amway is not a multi-level marketing scam. It’s a multi-layered investment sales organization! And that’s way different!
Holy f***, are any of you as stoned as I am right now?
You ever look at your mouth? I mean like really look at your mouth, while you’re talking? Look down at your mouth, right now. I’m serious. Say, “Blah blah blah.”
No one happens to know a good lawyer, do they? It’s important.
I don’t want you to get the impression that I’ve done anything. But if you do know a good lawyer…
Last week my class voted me Most Likely to Be Mistakened for a Charlie Brown Character.
I guess it’s funny, but I still feel like a ticking bomb of rage, ready to explode. Which must be what happened to Charlie Brown eventually, right?
And who could forget the climactic Russian Roulette scene from The Deer Hunter? Four bullets!
I can’t even get through a movie unless it has at least one Russian Roulette scene. Hi Mom!
I’m sure you’ll have some cosmic rationale.
But here you are in the ninth… two men out and three men on. Nowhere to look but inside… where we all respond to pressure. Pressure!
The thing that’s really destroying this country? All the sex perverts!
What should the penalty for autoerotic asphyxiation be? Hang em! Deep throating? Weird stuff? What do you think? Hang the bastards!
As an earthling, I am very interested in this concept of “waffles.”
Please convey me to some ordinary Earth form of waffle. I will gladly exchange up to five pieces of paper for them.
I don’t understand — why do they call it horse racing? The horses always win.
It’s smart of those people to sit on the horse’s back. Horses are a lot faster than men. But what they should do, is at the end they should lean out front and jump right off. You know, right before the finish line. Photo finish! Men win! Yay! You know?
I believe that you should speak. With. Punctuation.
Nothing. Contributes. More to verbal. Misunderstanding. Than missing verbal. Punctuation episodes.
I’m not wearing blush. I’m having a strong allergic reaction right now.
It might be the air up here. Let me check.
F*** . . .
That didn’t seem to help either. It might be this fabric. I’m kind of allergic to everything. Listen, I’d better go find my rescue inhaler. You guys all just chill. I’ll be right back, and we can start over. Okay? Okay!
Urban Segway tours. Have you seen these? I have a tip.
Loosen the couplings with a #5 torx screwdriver. The second that thing gets up a good head of steam, the wheels come right off. Welcome to my crib, a**holes.
If you experience an erection lasting more than eighteen hours, it may be necessary to consult with a pharmacist — even a recreational pharmacist — like me.
Allow me now to demonstrate the pain of an overlong erection… Interpretively.
While it may seem like fun to sport a multi-hour erection on a bus, plane, or the civic club of your choice, please use caution and remember this: The penis is not a sundial.
There are many popular bands in the world today now.
Manifold, as one of these current bands, distinguishes itself with the use of a snare drum. They play the snare drum with sticks like this.
Despite all this, Manifold remains popular only among a circle of fans. I may have even made it up!
Okay, and then — you’re seriously not going to believe this — but, like, I’m totally serious, okay…
She’s being all, you know, and I’m like — obviously, I’m like, whatever. So she and this other girl are all like, eh? And here I am, like, didn’t she totally start this in the first place? But that wasn’t even the really important part…
Can you believe her? So then I’m like, whatever, and she’s all like, whatever! And I’m like, “As if!” — and she’s all, “As if?” — and we’re just like “As if nothing…” And she’s like, “As if nothing nothing.” Can you believe it!? Totally bullsh*t, right? Then we put on the wigs and crossed into Finland.
We appreciate you coming in for this interview at Retail Sports.
Unfortunately, the management is not able to offer you a position at this point in time.
Please do not worry whether our decision hinged in any part on your gross lack of physical fitness, or on your poor choice of clothing. But due to both of these limitations, I fully expect the door to hit your a** on the way out.
The Rest –
Actually, it’s not me. It’s entirely you. I just thought you should know that.
It’s kind of funny, actually, because you’re probably thinking, “Oh, I must have done something…” And you did. Practically everything wrong, in fact. And maybe you’re wondering if you were lame in bed, and guess what? Hole in one! You should really stop doing that ear thing for STARTERS…
Hey there! Japanese Velma here to share with y’all.
We almost had the case solved. Obviously it wasn’t “the man” in some form or other, because that would be against Japanese conformity. Clearly it was either a disgruntled maid, a disgruntled watress, a disgruntled waitress at a maid cafe, or an American.
Maybe a disgruntled American working in a maid cafe? Nah, that only happens in anime. So Shuki and Skoubi got high as balls on blowfish treats, we set a trap, and it turned out to be a pedophile. Again.
I WILL POUND YOUR BALLS INTO THE GROUND! I WILL TEACH YOU THE MEANING OF PAIN!
You slimebag maggots don’t deserve to be 4-F’ed under the letterhead of my beloved Corp! I will destroy and rebuild you! The first and last words out of your holes will be “cutie pie,” do you understand me? Bunny hop drills — 15 — now! Move it, worms, or there will be no shortcake!
Greetings from the 2011 Miss Soybean Tokaido (North)!
Most people don’t know that soybeans are a major source of many things. Hey, watch what I can do…
Soy…
Soy… bean!
I should probably explain that my father cornered the market on soybeans in northern Tokaido over the past six years. Cross him, and you will be CRUSHED.
Hi! I’m auditioning to be the Fat One.
Even though I’m trim and in good shape, I have a slightly wide face on camera. I could be an icon to the faux-open-minded!
Hi! Batsh*t F***ing Crazy One, reporting for duty!
You ever start stabbing your life-sized character pillow, and you realize it’s not a pillow? Awkward. But what are you gonna do, stop?! Cosplayers should know better anyway. Stabby stab! …Hi, Mr. Agnew!
Assaulted by
Cute
They already packed up the boom mic, but I still want to audition for a Hello! Project girl group.
My dream is to be famous for four years, then struggle with a solo career for another six or so.
Check out this pout.
Eventually, I’ll abandon my suffocating dreams and become a history teacher or something. I might have a chance of achieving some happiness by, oh, 2025? Coolies!
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