Matt Rasmussen

Or, What Happens When a Facebook Thread Gets Out of Control

1. The woodchuck is unique among the animals in that it has 14 different gizzards.
2. Every woodchuck has a 1963 Ford Fairlane on blocks out back.
3. Counter to popular belief, Woodchuck Cider is not named after the well-known rodentia, but rather after the accident that left founder William Turkle incapable of making a beer worth a damn.
4. Traditionally, a woodchuck is required to pump the bilge and prepare light snacks on all seagoing Inuit kayaks. This is the origin of Washington state’s motto.
5. Al Gore stole the plans for the Internet from a woodchuck he was roommates with at Harvard.
6. Woodchucks are the only animals who do their own taxes.
7. After a woodchuck is mature, they are expected to give three years of their life to their King in military service with the hopes that one day, there will be an end to the Great Beaver War.
8. No woodchuck has ever been convicted of serious fraud. All such trials have resulted in a hung jury.
9. Chuck Norris was named after the respected and feared creature.
10. Woodchucks live in the deepest corners of the Serengeti, and not the bottoms of the oceans as we once thought.
11. Instagram is now 90% woodchucks.
12. There’s a new drug plaguing our streets derived from woodchuck droppings that has similar addictive qualities to heroin and Sunny D. The depraved youth ensnared in its smelly grasp refer to the act of taking the drug as “chucking” or “doing the chuck”.
13. Woodchucks are circumcised in utereo.
14. Of course, in the ancient tongues, ‘woodchuck’ means ‘one who seeks vengence upon his enemies…’
15. Woodchuck urine is used as a coagulating agent in chewing gum and hot dogs.
16. No human has ever photographed a woodchuck in the wild. All such photographs are of cardboard cutouts. The photographs used to produce the cardboard cutouts are taken by marsupials.
17. While many woodchucks died in the Polish uprising, the Tomb of the Unknown Woodchuck in Warsaw is believed to be the result of a spelling error.
18. If you see a woodchuck in the wild, you should not approach it. It will “friend zone” you.
19. At least two woodchucks are required to initiate critical mass in a sphere of U-238.
20. Woodchucks are known for their sharp wit and unparalleled literary prose. They are actually behind great works, such as “Henry IV Part 2” and “The Little Engine That Could.”
21. A woodchuck can metabolize wood cellulose into AIDS. But only the bad kind.
22. The first woodchuck was discovered during the Crusades. The second during the roaring twenties
23. In a rare artistic move, Michael Bay has cast only woodchucks in “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”.
24. The woodchuck is the only animal mentioned favorably in Leviticus.
25. Spontaneous generation was disproven when a jar of spoiled meat was covered with cheesecloth and no woodchucks were present after several days
26. In Japan, the woodchuck is known as “The Silent Fang Devious Fighter Monster”.
27. The woodchuck cannot actually chuck wood.
28. Being in possession of one or less woodchucks is only a civil offense in Massachusetts now.
29. What is thought to be a plesiosaurus in Loch Ness is actually just a really fat woodchuck.
30. During WWII, woodchucks were used as transport for ammunition and cigarettes for Allied forces.
31. I did not have sexual relations with that woodchuck.
32. A homeopathic remedy prepared by a woodchuck will in fact work.
33. Before reaching terminal velocity, one should apply a salve of two parts woodchuck excretia, one part egg, and one part pine sap to exposed flesh to prevent chapping
34. A murder of crows. A gaggle of geese. An overbooking of woodchucks.
35. Don’t pour salt on a woodchuck.
36. Modern woodchucks use lasers to accomplish in minutes what, only a few decades ago, would have taken months.
37. The “sleep of the woodchuck” and “woodchuck’s bane” are fighting styles studied in the countrysides of France, England and Belgium.
38. Woodchucks do not get cancer. They give it.
39. That which does not kill you, makes you a woodchuck
40. Not only can a woodchuck divide by zero, they will brag about it to anyone that will listen.
41. It is a 19th Century misconception that people in Columbus’s time considered the woodchuck flat, or good at baseball.
42. The woodchuck will build a time machine and then travel back in time to a point before the machine was turned on. They will then use their knowledge of the future to make life difficult for the beavers.
43. Be careful not to confuse the major categories! Some woodchucks are doric, others are ionic, but all woodchucks are corinthian. This can be remembered with the mnemonic “SPECKLEFLAB.”
44. Did you know I was raised by woodchucks? My mother, though a bit bitey, would lovingly send me off to school with a bag of homemade toothpicks for lunch. School was difficult though. Kids would pelt me with their cruel taunts like, “Want some wood chips, up chuck?” and “Hey, look at the naked kid who thinks he’s a woodchuck!” One day, my mother, after trying to gnaw my face off with care, said I’d have to go live amongst the humans and never know true woodland joy again. To this day, when see a stump carved by a chainsaw sculptor or smell the saw dust on a bar room floor, a tear comes to my eye. I miss you mom.
45. The popular slogan, “Just give me a woodchuck and I’ll show you who’s cock of this motherfucker!” is attributed to American founding father Benjamin Franklin. He is known to have screamed it during an orgy with 14 aristocratic French women, and was probably high at the time. Steven Foster’s 1889 song has been recorded by such luminaries as Artie Shaw, Janis Joplin, and A-Ha.
46. The classic film, “The Wizard of Oz”, originally had woodchucks instead of munchkins. The original Tin Woodsman had to bow out not because of an allergic reaction to metal paint, but rather violent facial and ass attacks by woodchucks.
47. Everyone’s spirit animal is a woodchuck.
48. Alan Ginsberg wrote an unpublished poem called “A Furry Fanfare Ferociously Fandangoing” describing the plight of the woodchuck in Man’s world. Ginsberg’s mistress was a woodchuck.
49. Conceptually brilliant but uneven in execution, woodchucks are known as the Joel Hodgson of the animal kingdom.
50. The famous woodchuck scene from “Bambi” is the longest orgy in any Disney movie.