YouTube Captioning: Ayumi Hamasaki – Glitter

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Assassin Kurt Loder strikes again, and leaves his calling card.
.

o

0

O

( Am I being emphasized? )

True to form, MTV still isn’t playing music.
“Flashy brighty things that go PUFF!”
Come on, Michael Bay — start the song already.
This happens to gay guys all the time…
“Quickly! Into a more hideous part of the hotel!”
“Miss Ayumi! Miss Ayumi!”
“Was the girl legal even in Japan, Miss Ayumi!?”
Shiny object →
The Polaroid Paparazzi strikes again.
The Ayumi signal!
Yes, still be weebie wub
“Can I have another menu? I don’t get this.”
Yes, dustbin weebie wub
I just… There’s something she’s trying to convey… I don’t quite…
It’s always embarassing to be the opening act for a virtual performer.
Meatloaf must have had a garage sale.
“OUT OF THE LIGHTS, A**HOLE!”
Her directions were simply to flip out.
*sigh*
“THE MYLAR!”
Shouldn’t you… Shouldn’t you maybe… Get her out of there?
I mean, I’m not telling you how to do your job…
“Relax, killer. They dropped three shards in CGI.”
“Yeah, well, but…”
She’s managed by Kim Jong-Il’s successor?
May

May I

May I request

May I request the

May I request the pleasure

May I request the pleasure of

May I request the pleasure of your

May I request the pleasure of your company

May I request the pleasure of your company?

都会っ子 純情

“MY STRENGTH BEGS SEX AT YOUR BUSINESS ¿”

Boy when the drum pads come out, you know things are getting serious.
“Look! It’s Saki, from Berryz Koubou!”

“No, I’m… SH*T!

Never ask to experience the authentic Hong Kong.
“Here, let me show you the storage unit where I grew up.”
DRAGON BREATH!
HIT!
SPOON FEED!
DIP!
DODGE!
PITCHER PUSH!
FEINT!
HEAD TOSS!
FACE SHIELD!
CRANE STYLE!
GRAPPLE TWIST!
RUNNING FENCE DRAG!
BALANCE FAIL!
FINISHING MOVE!
Gay guys.

All. The. Time.

Good thing we’re spinning. We wouldn’t understand there’s a relationship going on otherwise.
“Eat it, creep!”
THE END
And much like Ayumi, our story just kind of…
…drives off, in a battered van.
Capped by Space Toast
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com

Feel better soon, GlitterRock!

The Largest Apocryphal Explosion in History?

The 1982 Siberian pipeline sabotage incident is something I’ve been meaning to do a bit of research on. Yes, every bad or even mixed story in the U.S.S.R. was hushed up as best it could be by the Soviets — witness C.J. Chivers’ recent problems tracing the history of the AK-47 in The Gun — but did the incident actually happen?

For years, the CIA is said to have fed defective “stolen” technology to the Soviet Union, including gas pipeline controllers programmed to eventually trigger an explosion. I’ve seen the Siberian incident reported as the largest non-nuclear manmade explosion in history, but every source is weak and third-hand. Obviously the CIA’s and NSA’s files from the time would still be classified. It seems the best way to establish the veracity of the incident would be by speaking to senior physicians in the surrounding cities. Even if there were no deaths, the casualties from the event — if it did occur — would have been high. Burst eardrums alone would have radiated for miles.

Has anyone come upon a strong source for this story, or does it remain hidden somewhere between Soviet coverup and CIA blowback?

YouTube Captioning: Berryz Koubou – Tomodachi wa Tomodachi Nanda!

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5000 years of civilization, and we’re still fascinated by the image of people doing the same thing at the same time.
Make use of your motor bootie on the ding-a-lings, they are all my friends
Sod Lenore, who looked up my e-data
Oh, my “friend”
So, this demon in the gutter, all mean to me, he tweeted “I’m a settler”
Out of work, I let it talk, ’cause, sh*t, you know?
(Sh*t, Carol)
Well then Carol now she took the evil meanie down to turn him into kerosene
I’m still mad at you for joking about me — I like bishi Hitler
Bedbugs reproduce inside a trunk, collect inside the keyhole, see me turn over
Garlic sheep, you say?
Commandant, she wept the more that she learned that
Wiimotes get thrown from Ipanema to Arizona — but not at big mean Miyamoto
Murder someone? Would she blab on me? I guess so
So selling what you need while your body’s going mean — that’s L.A., Berryz Koubous
‘Kay, now come suck him on the knee
Dunno
Now come running, it’s bishi Hitler
They’ve laid four feet of track, and god dammit they’re gonna use us.
So, good Alyssa on United said I shouldn’t sh*t on maybe all my friends
Could she get like that if I argue you aren’t ALL my friends?
Kay’s a Jew, so I say Kay, how ’bout a movie? She’s like “Schindler!”
“Mazeltov.” Oh cool tattoo, you madass sheik
Marching — Oh you had a go, that’s kind of mean — there’s a kitchen in the DoD
You know even if we banish it that kind of gag will get absurd
So now, would you guess the moaning and the jiggling and groaning were some crummy guy?
Becky, do have some salad
There’s no doubt she wants it more now she’s learned that
Gödel’s a Turkoman, but legacy-ish model won’t be sold with cash no more
Double “E,” now let them “beeches” talk a while
So heed the double “E” now on Cheech and Chong are going down. Sheesh, that’s evil
Go pack your canoe under there
Dunno
Like your mommy I’d hit that Hitler
                  ↑

Yes, that’s a bowtie necklace.

Notice that each one of their outfits would be cute if not for a single ridiculous embellishment. The rolled cuff, the fishnets, the piled-on necklaces, the policeman’s hat…
Come on, Dante, why don’t more men remember?
The boat’s got through the eastern sea to Manitoba, not to Ealing, my I know
Come on, guys; I’m wrapped in more than teen anger
The Hitler joke is done but you’ve gotta keep on mocking it
Sod that. God, no more
Come on in and let your bishi Dachau, why why?
So we’ll beat it double in, and now we teach it as a song and let it go down — sh*t that’s evil
Don’t pack your noo-noo on a dare
Dunno
Like her mommy…
…I’d hit that Hitler!
Hormones?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, woo

(In my defense, I still haven’t subjected you to °C-ute.)

Role Playing Games

You arrive in the town. You check into an inn. It’s on a back street. Out of the way. You’re wanted criminals, so best not to draw attention to yourselves.

You’ve been trying to find Tintmere since the airship crash. She should be in this town. But where?

Porcelain and little Night set off with a shopping list. You and Kell head upstairs.

There’s a window. The room overlooks an equally rickety row of buildings. Fourth floor. Lots of crisscrossing clotheslines and rising steam, people milling about below. In the distance over the rooflines: the Lightning Tower. Your ultimate goal.

Concrete pebbles fall discretely into the drowned, weedy flower pot in front of you. You crane, look up.

A bounty hunter tromps silently across the rusty pipes on the roof. The shadows of two more flit between the eaves.

You lean back in, smile, head gesture to Kell. A row of shurikens materialize in his hand, and he melts into the shadows. Hazard another glance out.

There’s a bamboo-like pole caught between your building and the one across the street. One floor down. It looks tenuous. But you have been working on your balance.

The next room? The walls can’t be too thick.

Nah. More fun to hide in the ratan basket.

Moments later, light feet land on the windowsill. Simultaneously, the door flies off its hinges. Two bounty hunters race into the empty room. They look around, walk to the center of the room. Suddenly a basket and a shadow burst to life, and both bounty hunters are flung out the open window with hardly a cry.

The ceiling caves in. It’s time for the big daddy bounty hunter. You exchange blows, and are both parried and thrown back. Not good. He hasn’t even broken a sweat. You grab Kell, flip him up onto the roof and climb out. The wall explodes. You make a grab for a drain pipe, swing out across sickening open space, and — Kell’s throw line jerks the pipe up toward the roof. You land. Smile. And RUN!

Rooftop chase, as the overpowered bounty hunter hurls force blasts after you, shredding the ancient stone. Chickens squawk. Cisterns topple. An adorable little girl tends a lovely three foot square rooftop garden; you scoop her up as you run by, and apologize, as the bounty hunter smashes her four flowers.

You give the girl to Kell, saying you’d like to try something. You insult the giant. A lot. Kell breaks left, sliding down the side of a building. You break right. It worked! He’s following you.

Crap.

Fight! Fighting doesn’t work. Escape! He catches you in midair. The bounty hunter sneers that the fee still gets paid if all your limbs have been pulled off. This is it.

Shwunk! The bounty hunter shakes you, looks around indeterminately. He reaches back. A magic dagger wrapped in lace protrudes from between his shoulder blades. He topples, turning to wood. The wood bleaches, hollows, cracks, shatters — poof! Nothing but dust.

You pick yourself up, squint into the sun. A lace-adorned figure steps toward you through the haze, waving. Tintmere!

—–

Now imagine that the preceeding had been generated: The overall plot. The long separation from a comrade. The clues that led you to her. The streets. The repetition of the larger goal. The foreshadowed tip-off at the flower box. The personally appropriate strategy options. The easy mini-bosses. The unstoppable mega boss. The setback getting onto the roof. The dramatic save. The comic timing. The race. The moral choice. The losing battle. The last minute save, leading into the storyline completing reunion.

As flashy as today’s RPGs are, they’re still not true Role Playing Games. In them, players are rewarded for figuring out how the game engine works and finding ways to best it, not — as the name would suggest — for immersing themselves in the role of the character.

How does a game engine implement literary devices? How do you reinforce the players’ choice to have more fun with the story, rather than the choice to simply learn better chess positions? Printed paper+pencil+friends role playing games have invented some interesting story game concepts, but digital RPGs still rely largely on grinding in the final analysis.

I’m not suggesting that hard work shouldn’t bring character improvement, but I sanction it only because that too is a literary device. It’s not, however, the only literary device. In the early days of computer games, perhaps it was the only trope that could be realistically implemented. Are we at the end of the beginning of computer games yet?

Those looking for something a little more crunchy may enjoy my RPG Stats Comparison Chart.

Émilie Simon

Bertrand Russel: Why don’t I know this?

G.E. Moore: Because philosophers think it’s mathematics and mathematicians philosophy!

     ~Logicomix

French musician Émilie Simon. Writes and performs in English and French. Writes and performs her own songs. Massively popular in France, released in the U.S. Wrote the soundtrack for the French release of March of the Penguins. Sweet, biting, smooth, electronic. Why don’t I know this?

Aside: The video for “Flowers” itself is brilliant; as near as I can tell it was directed by a collective called No Brain (viciously crap website here). Whether it’s a hybrid of stop motion and computer animation or just computer animation with far too much work put into making it look like stop motion I can’t decide from the YouTube video. Obviously the website is no help.

Click around on YouTube a bit. These songs are viciously good for French pop music. Why don’t I know this in the U.S.? Why haven’t my tracking cookies surrounded me with this? Has Simon been shuffled into the same hole all electronic music seems to fall into right now? Do we really need that much more room for Stefani Germanotta’s particular brand of gaga desperation?

I expect a response from high-level authorities.

YouTube Captioning: Perversion For Profit (1965) (Part 3 of 4)

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“It burns well…”
My diary!
Dan Quinn’s Ishmael?
(There are two crap sequels.)
You have a terrible science fair project.
Naruto?
But how did it go otherwise?
Ahh. The sin of pride…
I texted, “LOL MRDRD OLD MAN??.? SUP W U?”
Or, played a fair amount of Street Fighter II Alpha anyway.
[*ED- Is that what the kids say? “Cooled?” ***DELETE THIS** **]
He won a sculling race by rowing an old man?
Kid tested. Motherf*cker approved.
Oh George Putnam, you missed your calling.
M is for marijuana. The author is making up lingo.
H is for heroine. David Bowie is scary.
Plus it’s hard to snort a horse.
He’s really getting into this…
“…bicycle.”
Even if it’s a girly bike.
Brainier than Margaret Warner?
“…or Gilligan.”
Oh, and I hear lots of people get their kicks on Route 66 too.
Shakespeare made it work.
Shakespeare made that work too.
“More from Bill O’Reilly’s Those Who Trespass next week.”
“F*ck Alaska.”
And you’ve succeeded.
“…a purple elephant.”
Seriously. There were some great tits in the last two segments.
CLOSE UP
But it can be yours at the $150 level.

Call 1-800-PUT-PORN to make a pledge!

“The O’Reilly Factor, for instance.”
Not really, no.
.

o

O

( DAMN erection! )

Nor want to.
So stop exposing your children!
“…and need a scapegoat.”
Always have a licensed jeweler verify your birth.
Better not tell Aneurism Dad what the Pentagon spends.
“…but in coupons.”
How does porn cancel comprehensive sex ed programs?

(But you know a few people are bragging.)
“Much like me.”
It’s sweet that he’s concerned about them.
“…and average waist-height…”
(Currently dying in Vietnam.)
It’s a good thing correlation equals causation.
“…sass, back talking…”
↑                                                              

Vice Magazine! There it is!                            

You never studied.
…mostly father.
Maybe a little… too interested. Especially the clergy.
WORK THAT RUNWAY!
“…or would you rather they just fapped?”
“…dental, geological…”
Canyons of butt crack! Seas of santorum!
LURED INTO LESBIANISM

Friday & Saturday only at Le Shed

You mean dating?

YouTube Captioning: Perversion For Profit (1965) (Part 2 of 4)

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As long as we come.
Leave Niels Bohr out of this!
Like Vanity Fair?
Oh yeah. He’s stuffing.
↑ Tai-Pan must owe him a big favor.
(If there is such a thing.)
Just think of the chest-shaving mishaps.
one    
James Dean and the Bull Dyke – pg. 37
Hey! Don’t be dissing George Takai.
Japan?
Actually, sexual preference in pedophilia breaks down at about the same percentages as homosexuality in the general population.
Suck it in, kid.
Somehow I don’t think these kids were the hope of the world.
“Look HAAAAARD… Mmmm…”
“…those friggin’ Jonas Brothers.”
People with two vests?
← The Rails    

    This Film →

“…even though we listed it as a ‘stealth’ gay mag 1 minute 10 ago.”
“…in that they’re coherent.”
e•rot•ic Adj.– Not rotic
TUMNUS!
This film?
“…Archie Comics.”
two
several \/ persons
“…the Steppenwolf LP…”
“…nudie pens…”

8:00 PM 8:30 PM 9:00 PM 9:30 PM 10:00 PM
 PBS An Appeal to the Sodamist: Live
From The Hatch Shell!
New (CC)
Red Green
Show
Repeat (CC)

“…but then, everything hints at bestiality to me.”
Dr. Sorokinsays
← Cite more than one source.
What kind of zoo is that?
Homo Habilis: Cornholing’s king
Not that many women read Ayn Rand.
Music hipsters?
Purple construction paper guy is getting sh**canned for this one.
I prefer brushing by the cashier with the nice rack, but sure.
George Putnam: Down with the streets.
“EAT THIS DRUMSTICK!”
They say every problem is an opportunity.
Through, by, from and for.
Cool!
“…and the girlfriend who makes you hold it as she tries on stuff.”
“…recipes, train schedules…”
Chick Lit: Throwing our fight against Communism.
In print?
“…download a ‘reading guide’ and listen to an exclusive ‘author interview.’ An author interview!
How can they treat books like that!